Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
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‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.