god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
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Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume