My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
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My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.