living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
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*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.