Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
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Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?