I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
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Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Mistakes were made
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.