Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
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turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.