shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
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I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ