Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
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A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible