*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
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Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
barbara was highly relatable
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?