911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
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I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.