Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
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Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…