I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
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PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
That stupid look on my face, is my face
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice