If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
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This is enough internet for the day.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Inside you there are two wolves
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.