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I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
you know what ruined my childhood? children
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
just left a huge legacy in there
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!