Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
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fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
wish me luck lads
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.