(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
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Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
I’ve been learning to cook.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.