Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
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You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
A bold strategy
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.