If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
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The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Husband of the year 😂
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law