Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
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[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
The internet is full of many things
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
I have two kinds of followers
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi