Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
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I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
It do be feeling this way.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.