Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
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The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
want me to check your oil?
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
The biggest mystery of our time
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom