Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
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Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.