my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
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Alexa: *deep breath*
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Dishonest mechanic?
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x