My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
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“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”