one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
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boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Born to be mild.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things