God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything