Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
You Might Also Like
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
According to math, I’m broke
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Milk Cube
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.