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Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.