Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
You Might Also Like
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.