“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
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If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.