A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
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I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?