my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
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George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
my proudest tweet
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like