‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
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Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
the last thing a carrot sees
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
My what?
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
😅🤣😂