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[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you