Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
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Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.