That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
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The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
So creative 😂
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?