My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
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I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
I put the p in pants.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm