The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
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Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Pickled cat.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.