If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
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Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
.
.
.
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.