me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
You Might Also Like
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
this country is so goddamn polarized
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.