“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
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God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
The news is so predictable nowadays
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.