[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
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[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital