A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
You Might Also Like
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.