If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
You Might Also Like
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.