One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
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You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.