My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
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Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
San Francisco has too many rules
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months