mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
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The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Butt weight. There’s more!
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting