Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
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Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar