Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
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Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.